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AN APOLOGY, JAIL, GOLD AND 2 ENTERTAIN DVD HEAVEN

Well, I have had one hell of an early morning I can tell you. No thanks to bluddy Jolly Roger Entertainment. (See previous news item here) I have been busy flushing over a thousand dodgy DVD's with labels done with a black marker pen down the toilet, just in case the Police turn up and bust us and it's exhausting work. The Logicians and Public Enemy disc proves to be a bit of a floater and the toilet brush has come in quite handy. The DVD box covers are burning well on the bonfire too. So, I have decided to take a break for a moment to let everybody know what the hell is going on. Apparantly, Ima Pirate and his mate Dave have been arrested following part of a Police sting called Sound and Fury. Therefore, I am afraid, there will be no more ridiculously low priced copies of DOOMWATCH available for the foreseeable future, because unbeknownst to me, they are in fact stolen! Last night I was happily tucking into a large slice slice of chocolate cake whilst watching the only surviving and annoyingly worn out copy of Survival Code and I nearly choked to death when the phone rang and a very angry Mr Staplesworth from 2 Entertain informed me of these shocking developments.


Mr Staplesworth explained that the planned release of Doomwatch in it's 40th anniversary year was indeed on track and despite many letters and emails to enquiring fans over the years citing contract and cost issues and possible poor sales, it was still all going ahead. Well, that was until the theft and subsequent torching of their DVD processing plant. Apparently, Only Fools and Horses fans are up in arms about it too as the planned re-release of the entire series has gone up in flames. Mr Staplesworth told us that they were in fact one day out of their insurance contract on the building and have had to write the whole thing off to bitter experience.


Having re-read the previous post properly and the transcript therein, to my horror I realised the full extent of our mistake in promoting Jolly Roger Entertainment. I have no idea how to delete previous news items so I am hoping no one is tempted to buy any remaining copies of this dodgy release. I have heard a few copies are for sale on ebay, so I implore our readers not to buy them.


Unfortunately, the result of all this upset has led to our first public sacking at doomwatch.org. I'm afraid we have had to let Pat go after only being with us for one fantastic year. I must admit I hadn't read her transcript from Jolly Roger Entertainment properly at the time as I've been a bit busy mowing the lawn. Damn you nature! (sorry Kit) but direct action had to be taken and Mr Staplesworth demanded that someone's head here should roll for promoting counterfeit goods. (Actually, we have secretly re-hired her to man the Doomwatch Revival hotline)


However, all is not lost. We remain on good terms with 2 Entertain and now that this misunderstanding is behind us, we are pleased to announce new releases from them. In part thanks to my amazing find in the garden! I have found a Viking treasure chest whilst turning over the soil and it was full of Norse gold. I have sold it on ebay and donated all the funds to 2 Entertain. With 2 Entertain now firmly back in the black, we have, with my suggestion, learnt from this terrible experience and 2 Entertain have taken on board the comments made from the feedback of the official release. The general complaint was the astronomical price and a dull cover that wouldn't shift any copies to any bored HMV customer lurking around the cult section of their shops.


So, at last, we can announce the immediate availability of the first of 12 individual plain vanilla releases (featuring at least two episodes) with a firm promise not to stop producing them after the first one. Each release has had all that nasty RSC technique removed to give us back that wonderful blurry yellow NTSC colour again. The UK Gold cuts have been lovingly re-created and the Cult of... documentary has been removed to reduce costs. Taking a leaf out of Jolly Roger Entertainment's book, the new covers in the releases will, we are rest assured, lead to increased sales amongst men and women in the 21 to 34 age bracket. (Secretly, between you and me, the release of the special edition set is still going ahead at a later date but only when all these vanilla ones have been sold so that 2 Entertain can cash-in twice. However, I am concerned that the changes to the covers and titles of episodes might upset some old school fans.)


Thanks to Mr Staplesworth from 2 Entertain for the fantastic news of a new set of releases to fill up our empty shelves with! Right, back to the flushing... (Scott)

HAPPYWATCH - Volume 1 - THE CAKE EATERS • TOMORROW, THE CAT
Release date: Out Now! Probably.
R.R.P. £79.99

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